I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
