I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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