I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
