Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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