i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
