My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
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Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.