sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
