suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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