We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
