I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
