4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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