she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
