I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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