I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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