Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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