my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
