What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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