if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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