we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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