hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
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I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
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It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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