Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
