bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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