Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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