I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
