Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
