We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Less talking, more tequila
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
