she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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