Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
