im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
