Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
ok first of all what the fuck
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
