Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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