The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
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i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
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Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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