dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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