Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
