I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
