I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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