It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
