My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is Oprah even human
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
