Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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