I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
