he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
