she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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