I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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