My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
