i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
