WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it because I queefed?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize