just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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