Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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