all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
