the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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