Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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