I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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