Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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