just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
As shirtless as possible
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
