I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
