My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
